The typical Briton is introspective, patriotic, insular, xenophobic, brave, small-minded, polite, insecure, arrogant, a compulsive gambler, humorous, reserved, conservative, reticent, hypocritical, a racist, boring, a royalist, condescending, depressed, a keen gardener, semi-literate, hard-working, unambitious, ironic, passionless, cosmopolitan, a whinger, hard-headed, liberal, a traditionalist, a couch potato, obsequious, a masochist, complacent, homely, pragmatic, cynical, decent, melancholic, unhealthy, a poor cook, pompous, eccentric, inebriated, proud, self-deprecating, tolerant, inhibited, a shopaholic, conceited, courageous, idiosyncratic, mean (a bad tipper), courteous, jingoistic, stuffy, overweight, well-mannered, pessimistic, disciplined, a habitual queuer, stoic, modest, gloomy, shy, serious, apathetic, honest, wimpish, fair, snobbish, friendly, quaint, decadent, civilised, dogmatic, scruffy, prejudiced, class conscious and a soccer hooligan.

If the above list contains a few contradictions, it’s because there’s no such thing as a typical Briton and very few people conform to the standard British stereotype (whatever that is). Apart from the multifarious differences in character between the people from different parts of England (particularly between those from the north and south), the population of the UK encompasses a disparate mixture of Scots, Welsh, Irish and assorted ethnic groups originating from throughout the British Commonwealth, other EU countries (including hundreds of thousands from new member countries in recent years), plus miscellaneous foreigners from all corners of the globe who have chosen to make the UK their home (London is the most ethnically diverse city in the world).

 

Class Systems

One of the things which initially confuses foreigners living in the UK is its class system, which is a curious British affectation. Entry to the upper class echelons is rooted in birthright and ill-bred upstarts with pots of ‘new’ money (particularly foreigners with unpronounceable names), find they’re unable to buy entry to the most exclusive clubs and homes of England (even when they’re seriously rich). Many Britons are obsessed with class and for some, maintaining or improving their position on the social ladder is a full-time occupation (the ultimate aim being to acquire a knighthood or peerage). The rest of us pretend we’re a ‘better’ class than we actually are, with the exception of a few politicians who are busy trying to live down their privileged past in order to court popularity with the underprivileged masses.

At the top of the heap there’s the upper class (the ‘blue-bloods’ or aristocracy), crowned by the British royal family, followed at a respectable distance by the middle class (which is subdivided into upper middle class, middle middle class, and lower middle class), the working class or lower class, and two relatively new categories that are the inevitable legacy of the unbridled market economy of the last two decades: the underclass and the beggar class. In the UK, people were traditionally officially classified according to their occupations under classes A to E. However, owing to the burgeoning of the middle class in the last few decades (we are all middle class now), the government has introduced no fewer than 17 new classes (including a meritocratic super class of top professionals and managers earning zillions a year). Class is, of course, wholly unimportant in the UK, provided you attended public school, speak with the right accent and have pots of inherited money.

The UK has been uncharitably described (with a hint of truth) as a society based on privilege, inherited wealth and contacts. Class is also what divides the bosses from the workers in the UK and the class struggle is at the root of many industrial disputes. It has certainly re-ignited over the past couple of years. A blue-collar (manual) worker must never accept a position that elevates him to the ranks of the upper middle class (a white-collar job), otherwise his workmates will no longer speak to him and he will be banned from the local working men’s club. (As a consolation he may be accepted as a member at the Conservative club). Similarly, middle-class management must never concede an inch to the workers and, most importantly, must never have direct discussions with them about anything, particularly pay rises or a reduction in working hours.

 

British Food

One thing that would probably cause a strike in any country is British food, particularly in most company canteens and restaurants, where everything is served with chips or ice-cream. Of course, British food isn’t always as bad as it’s painted by foreigners. While it’s true that British food is often bland, may look terrible and can make you sick, for most people it’s just a matter of getting used to it. After all, it’s usually necessary to become acclimatized to the food in most foreign countries.

It may come as a surprise to many foreigners to learn that British bookshops are bursting with cookery books and they aren’t all written by foreigners. The UK also has many popular television cookery programmes that usually feature eccentric (and excellent) chefs and scrumptious looking food. The British can console themselves with the knowledge that they (or some of them) at least know how to behave at the table, even if they don’t have much idea what to serve on it.

The British even make their own wine; not only home-brewed stuff made from elderberries and other strange fruit, but also real commercially-produced wine made from grapes! Although it isn’t exactly causing panic among continental wine producers, some of it’s quite palatable.

Drinking habbits

The British do know how to make a good cuppa (tea) and don’t believe in polluting it with lemon or herbs (just milk and/or sugar). Tea is drunk at almost any time (approaching 200 million cups a day), not just in the morning or ‘afternoon tea’. Many Britons drink tea in the same quantities as other Europeans drink mineral water or wine.

Unfortunately, coffee is a different matter altogether and although the British have been drinking it since the 16th century (long before tea), they have yet to master the art of brewing a half-decent pot, which just goes to show that practice doesn’t always make perfect. The British don’t do anything by halves and their coffee, almost always instant, is easily the worst in the world (it would help if they actually used real coffee beans).

Socializing

You may sometimes get the impression that the British are an unfriendly lot, as your neighbours won’t always say hello and probably won’t drop by or invite you to their home for a cup of tea.  As an outsider, it may be left to you to make the first move, although if you drop by uninvited, your neighbours may think that you’re being pushy and just trying to sneak a look at their home. Northerners are generally friendly and warm-hearted, particularly when compared with the detached and aloof southerners who won’t usually give you the time of day. If your southern neighbour does condescend to speak to you, he’s likely to greet you with the ritual “How are you?” This doesn’t, of course, mean “How are you feeling mentally, physically or spiritually?”, but simply “Hello”. The questioner usually couldn’t care less whether you’re fighting fit or on your death bed. The ritual answer is (even if you’ve just had a heart and lung transplant) “Fine, thank you – how are you?”

If you wish to start a conversation with your neighbour (or anyone), a remark such as “nice weather” usually elicits a response (particularly if it’s raining cats and dogs). The weather is a hallowed topic and it’s the duty of every upstanding citizen to make daily weather predictions because of the awful hash made of it by the meteorologists. The UK has rather a lot of weather and there’s often rain, gales, fog, snow and a heat wave in the same day (although the weather is always described as ‘nice’ or ‘not very nice’). When it snows, everyone and everything is paralysed and people start predicting the end of civilisation as we know it.

The British stick steadfastly to their Fahrenheit temperature measures and many people haven’t a clue whether 20?C is boiling hot, lukewarm or freezing. The seasons are a mite erratic, but, as a rough guide, winter lasts for around 11 months, with a break of a couple of weeks for spring and autumn, and (in a good year) a couple of days for summer. There is, however, no truth in the rumour that all the world’s bad weather originates in the British Isles (some of it must come from somewhere else!). The British will do anything to escape for a few weeks to sunnier climes, even going so far as to spend days in an airport lounge for the dubious pleasure of a few weeks in a half-built hotel, bathing in polluted seas and getting sick on foreign food. The fact that no people anywhere have shown such a consistent desire to emigrate as the British may have more than a little to do with the climate.

 

Dialects

It’s a common misconception among many foreigners that the British all speak English. There are numerous accents and dialects, half of which are so thick that you could be forgiven for thinking that people are conversing in an ancient secret language. A Briton’s accent and choice of words is usually a dead giveaway as to his upbringing. One-third of the British use such long words that most of us cannot even pronounce them (let alone understand them) and some 25 per cent are immigrants who speak only Hindi, Bengali, Chinese, French, Gujarati, Arabic, Xhosa, Russian, Punjabi, Swahili, Urdu, Italian, Turkish, Spanish, Esperanto, Yiddish or Polish.

The rest are tourists, who usually speak the best English of all, but unfortunately don’t remain in one place long enough to hold a conversation with anyone. Some foreigners actually pay real money to come to England to learn English, which is part of a grand plot to get them to teach us how to talk proper at their expense. If you’re a foreigner and speak good English, you can always practise with other foreigners who you will understand perfectly. If you have a few problems writing English and tend to get all the words mixed up (to say nothing of the damned spelling), fear not; you will be in excellent company as many British are barely literate (the average Briton’s vocabulary is around 1,000 words or 500 for tabloid newspaper readers). The best compliment a foreigner can receive from a native is that his English is rather unusual or unorthodox, as he will then blend in with the rest of us and won’t be taken for an alien. (If you speak perfect English you will be instantly exposed as a foreigner).

Many Britons are prejudiced against all foreigners and the English are also prejudiced against English from other regions, Irish, Scots, Welsh, Yanks, Europeans, most other foreigners and anyone who speaks with a different (i.e. lower class) accent. However, don’t be concerned, as British xenophobia always refers to ‘the others’ and present company is usually excepted. The British, in common with most other races, don’t have a lot of time for foreigners, particularly rich tourists and foreigners who buy up all the best property, and who should all stay at home. Most Britons’ image of foreigners is gleaned from the stereotypes portrayed on television. For example, every Briton knows that all Americans are millionaires with flash cars, murderers or policemen (or all three), drive like maniacs and make love with their clothes on in full make-up. However, it’s the Germans and Japanese who, despite providing us with reliable cars and other things that work, remain the baddest of baddies and are still portrayed as ‘the enemy’ in weekly television (TV) reruns of World War II.

 

Understatements

The British are masters of the understatement and rarely rave about anything. If they’re excited about something they sometimes enthuse “that’s nice” and, on the rare occasion when they’re deliriously happy, they’ve been known to exclaim “I say, that’s rather good”. On the other hand, if something disastrous happens (such as their house burns down) it might be termed “a spot of bother”.

 

Sports

The British are sports mad, although most people confine their interest to watching or gambling rather than taking part. The British, or at least the English, are famous for their sense of fair play and playing by the rules – cheating is considered very bad form. Football (soccer) is the UK’s national sport. However, the real character and true sporting traditions of the English (other Brits have better things to do) are embodied in the game of cricket, a study of which provides a valuable insight into these strange islanders (and their attitude towards tea parties, religion and foreigners). The first thing you must understand is that cricket is a game for gentlemen, embodying the great British traditions of fair play, honour and sportsmanship.

It’s tempting (although fairly pointless) to make comparisons between cricket and a minority sport played in the US, called baseball. Despite the length of a cricket match, which varies from one to five days, it’s an enthralling and thrilling sport. The commentators do a sterling job and keep the audience spellbound with the most amazing and fascinating statistics and anecdotes about cricket’s legendary heroes.

 

Queuing

The British have a passion for queuing (lining up) and appear to outsiders to have endless patience – as you would expect from a nation that can endure a five-day cricket match. The British queue everywhere for everything, including football tickets, sales (when people queue for days or weeks), buses, trains, aircraft, fast food (or slow food if there’s a long queue), post offices, government offices, hospital beds, concerts, cafeterias, doctors’ and dentists’ waiting rooms, groceries, supermarkets, theatre tickets, banks and payphones. The other form of queue popular in the UK is the traffic jam. Many motorists spend their weekdays bumper to bumper driving round and round the M25 motorway, which is circular to make it easier to get back to where you started. At weekends, motorists often get withdrawal symptoms and go for a drive with the family, friends, relatives and the dog, in search of a traffic jam, usually to be found anywhere near coastal areas from spring to autumn, particularly on public holiday weekends.

On public transport you must never sit next to anyone when an empty seat is available. You must avoid looking at your fellow passengers at all costs (in case a stranger smiles at you), usually achieved by staring fixedly at the back of a newspaper or out of the window. Whatever you do, don’t open a window and let in any nasty fresh air, which will cause a riot.

 

Money and Gambling

The main problem with the British economy is that many Britons lack ambition. They certainly want ‘loadsamoney’, but would rather do almost anything than work for it. The British are reluctant entrepreneurs and many succeed in their own business only when forced into it.

Most people prefer to try their luck at gambling (rather than work) and will bet on almost anything, including the national lottery, football pools, horse and greyhound racing, bingo, casinos, names of royal babies or ships, public appointments, election results and who the Prime Minister will sack next (or who will resign) – you name it and someone will make a book on it. (One of the reasons that gambling is so popular in Britain is that gambling debts are unenforceable in law). However, the attitude to gambling is changing. Nowadays, someone who wins a fortune on the lottery is unlikely to declare that it won’t change his life and that he’ll be keeping his job as a ?50 a week farm labourer (instead he’ll buy a villa in Spain, a yacht and a Ferrari). If the British injected as much energy into work and business as they do into gambling, they might even be able to compete with the Germans and Japanese.

 

The secret of life

The secret of life in the UK is to maintain a sense of humour (and carry a big umbrella). Most Brits have a lively sense of humour and a keen sense of the ridiculous, which helps make life in the UK bearable. (The worst insult is to accuse someone of having no sense of humour). One of the things that endears the British most to foreigners is their ability to poke fun at themselves (the British don’t take themselves too seriously) and everyone else, as typified in TV programmes such as Monty Python and Dead Ringers. Nothing escapes the barbs of the satirists: from the Pope to the Prime Minister, the President of the US to the Royal Family, everyone is lampooned with equal affection.

It’s often difficult for foreigners to understand British humour or to recognise when someone is being serious or joking, although the subject at hand usually offers a clue. Generally, the more earnest or solemn the topic, the more likely they are to be joking. Amazingly, some foreigners think that the British have no sense of humour, usually Americans who don’t understand their subtle way with words and cannot understand real English anyway. Many foreigners believe the British are at least a little eccentric.

 

Entertainment

The British enjoy superb entertainment, leisure, sports and cultural facilities, which for their sheer variety and accessibility are among the best in the world (but increasingly expensive). The quality and huge choice of goods in the shops is excellent and explains why many people travel from far and wide simply to shop in Britain. British television has no equal, national and local radio is excellent, and the country has an unrivalled choice of quality newspapers, magazines and literature. The UK is a caring society, highlighted by the abundance of charitable and voluntary organisations, unparalleled in any other country, all of which do invaluable work (nationally and internationally). The UK remains a centre of scientific excellence underlined by its number of Nobel prize-winners. It’s also one of the least corrupt and most civilised countries in the world.

The British have more freedom from government interference than the people of most countries to do, say and act any way they like, something most of them take for granted. The UK is still a great enlightened power (if a little frayed at the edges) and a positive influence in the world and London remains the centre of the English-speaking world. Whatever else it may be, life in the UK is spiritually, mentally and intellectually stimulating and rarely dull. Although foreigners may occasionally complain about Britain and the British weather, most feel they’re privileged to live there and wouldn’t dream of leaving.